Break Your Face. I'm Sick of You, Clock. part one.

i miss everything. i always show up too late. 

and i'd be fine, if i was tardy. my clock is punctual as shit.

but i missed you.

i missed you when i was eighteen. i came six months too late. that rainstorm, the thunder bolts, the fog were more than enough, but you had already committed. 

and then i missed it when i moved to portland, when all the punk bars were closing and gentrification was raging. and i missed it again when i moved to san francisco and this world was ending. and i missed it when i didn't meet you before you were broken. and i missed it when i became broken.

i miss things.

i've always missed things.

i sat on the swings in a playground, by myself, the majority of my childhood, singing songs to my handy-me-down shoes about how one day i'd catch up. i'd be on the grabbing end. but i even missed it then. i missed it when my bio-dad split and my childhood was formed. and worse, i missed it when my family got better and i was told about all of that later, in a letter.

and i'm sitting here, on my sad bed watching the clouds blow beautiful colors. 

i should have named my dog 'tail lights', as i'm always chasing after them.

i'd like to reminisce about all the beautiful things created from a space of lack.  that's the history of the world. i wish i were that brave. 

and i do. don't get me wrong. i collect, i create, i pay my obeisance. but for once, i want something for me, truly for me, a brand new, sparkling red thing. and since i'm in a mood for asking, i'm just gonna say...

i'd love for once to see eyes look at me without the bruises from another's hand.

i'd like to feel a heart beat free beside me.

i'd love to discover something unknown and precious. or watch someone else discover.

i'd love to show you, the you whom i've yet to meet, this beauty i feel within me, this thing that is still fresh. 

it's a good thing tail lights look awfully pretty in the rain light. as long as they're sparkly, i'll chase them forever.

expect a more coherent entry soon. i am formulating. just thought i'd share this current barf.