San Francisco and its Manic Monday: love = x

I want to talk a bit about relationships in the history of San Francisco; and how power has somehow shifted drastically.

I began volunteering at the California Historical Society, and if you haven't gone, you really should. Unlike most historical societies in other cities, this place has cleaned out its cobwebs, hired younger punk girls to work the desk, and painted the exterior the same color as the Golden Gate Bridge.

They are currently featuring a rather comprehensive exhibit documenting the life and times of Juana Briones, pioneer, entrepreneur, landholder, mother, and curandera (folk healer). This woman is remarkable for several reasons: she lived here through Spanish, Mexican and United States control, she was one of the first women here to be granted a divorce, she was one of 66 women in all of California able to keep her land during the US takeover, and she made a killing making moonshine, hiding people from the army, and healing folks.

Juana's house.

Chick was badass.

you too can have a baby bump cake!

But some of the truly interesting things I discovered in the exhibit was that during Spanish control, if you (male) wanted to become a member of New Spain, you had to sign a document claiming that you were eligible for and actively seeking marriage and children. That way, the government tried to ensure the safety of the indigenous people and the women that were

traveling. Because of this policy, when men openly abused their wives, it was a much higher form of social shame then we tend to see elsewhere in the country.

Juana's property.

Divorce was not usually granted and very much frowned upon (especially in the Catholic church). Very few women, Juana included, were able to successfully petition for divorce. They could then claim head of house, and inherit the land.

According to the CHS, this was one of the first places in the country where women could petition for their freedom.

Obviously, this wasn't an easy thing to acquire and without the resources almost all women failed in these battles.

Let's entertain this equation. In 1850 Yerba Buena

land = power = male ownership = power over women + abuse of that power ≈ a reversal of power

these guys

(For the sake of brevity, I'm only going to glaze over this very intense topic. No judging! Please share with me! Let's dialogue on this.)

So how does this relate to the drama unfolding in our lives?

Recently, I've been getting some flack for getting over one relationship awfully quick. And though I do understand friend loyalty, I think there's another issue at stake.

Like I've mentioned before, dating in this city is a mind blowing anomaly.

When I first moved here I was plagued with panic attacks. They would strike at least three times a day, and for some strange reason, they were usually triggered by the sight of a fork. After about six months of this uncontrollable anxiety, I learned to accept it: the shaking hands, quaking voice, the inability to breathe were now just a part of my life.

I remember this one day, I was taking a long walk with Daisy and trying to breathe through it. I was taking tons of pictures on a camera my new romantic interest had lent me, and when I went back to view what I had shot, I found a bunch of pictures of him with some other girl.

"I love you!"

At that moment, though I knew it was unfair to have expectations and that it was impossible to ask questions, I still couldn't suppress this swelling feeling in my chest, like my breath was a ball caught in my larynx.

In talking with some girlfriends about that they were quick to offer up some crucial San Francisco lessons. 1) always assume they are seeing multiple people. 2) always assume there is absolutely no commitment, no honesty, and 3) to listen to everything they say (men tend to give the necessary clues to decode their behavior), with the once exception: never believe them when they say "I love you". That's the booze talking.

Though I personally am a chump in this department and really do prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, I have to admit that I have been predominately played in this city, something I'm definitely NOT used to.

In this equation, it would seem that men = power = sex = seduction = bullshit resulting in women looking like idiots.

When I've been left to feel like a chump, I put on a monkey suit and dance my way through it. Grass don't grow under this girl's feet.

Men hurt. Move on.

But somehow, this is where the lovely hypocrisy steps in. If we are to assume that men are players, I would think it fair to expect the same of women. Ah... but that's where the old social shaming comes in. Sadly, that's another thing I didn't expect to find in San Francisco.

abe lincoln being cool

I'm not bitter or trying to call anyone out. I just have spent the last two weeks looking at these localized socio-sexual politics and, to be honest, I sometimes find myself feeling hopeless.

How can this city with such a rich history of fighting for equality, protection and understanding, maintain such a backwards thinking, manipulative, and somewhat shaming dating scene?

i believe every word this guys says

Feeling frustrated yesterday, I went for drinks with friends. I was asking one of my male friends to decode the riddle. As a woman, you're "recommended" to not talk about commitment, babies, the future, let alone to drop the leaden Relationship. And yet, only here have I experienced men, early on, talking about commitment, babies, the future, and worse, dropping the L-bomb. While all this is happening, I'm sitting on my hands, waiting for this "test" or whatever you'd call it, to play itself out, and for everything to just chill. (Hell, I don't even know if I believe in monogamy, let alone the future.) But that never happens. After they say the now feared "I love you", they pack their bags and split, blaming me "for rushing them".

This shit's fucking whack.

When overwhelmed by this noise, I usually put on my headphones, grab the dog and walk through the panic. The other day, it was our local lover Jonathan Richman on the jukebox. If you haven't listened to him, you should. Here's this man who is almost spastic in his enthusiasm for love.

In one of his solo albums, he sings about how grave this world is that so many people live without affection, or about how cupid can make you fall in love but he can't keep you from running away. He advises that with love, the world is right.

Do people really believe this? It's 2014!

jonathan richman

Guess what? He does! I met him the other day and he was exactly what I anticipated and more. From him, I've gleaned that with love, everything is possible. So then, why is everyone so deathly afraid of it? Is it purely an issue of power? Or, like in my previous article about dating, about how we have all been so obsessed with our own self-promotion that we don't want to beholden to or taken down by another?

In this equation:

love = x

these two found a good relationship

On Sunday, I hailed a cab from the CHS to catch up with my new romantic interest at a BBQ, ruminating. Is it possible to be open to another and truly believe that they are open as well? Is it fair to hope that something may come from good feelings? Is there a way to date without the power plays?

And I don't think we need to have a reactionary response. Though I like the idea of men having to prove their intention in order to become a member here, that seems a bit fascist.... Let's keep it personal.

Jonathan offers a great song of advice.

"Sometimes I think of only her

Sometimes no

I'm feeling delicate and this must show

I'm so confused (x3)

I like to do stuff but I best go slow

I look around now dazed but I don't know

I'm so confused (x3)

I think maybe I should just stay alone

But I'm too young to just stay home

I have to sigh now (x2)

I must stay honest and not play a part (?)